my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
