If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Randomize
