I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
