Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
