Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
