I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
