I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
