he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
