i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
