he shaved USA in his pubs
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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