she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
