I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
