I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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