so that wasnt chicken after all
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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