I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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