chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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