Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
