i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
