so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
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Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
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I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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