Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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