just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
