does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
