I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
