420 ftw
I am spending my child support on dildos
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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