I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
