there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
