A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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