When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
