it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
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