don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
