No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
