I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
