tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
