Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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