I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
