yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
