So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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