dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
