Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
