Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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