I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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