I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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