Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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