My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
