Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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