I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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