did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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