how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
