Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
