smell my finger.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
