she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
