I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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