You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
