her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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