I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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