She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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