Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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